What was I thinking?

My inner journey has begun. ” The cows are gone, but the barn still stands.”

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Not sure where I got this picture but it spoke to me.

 

The cows are gone. But the barn still stands where ma and pa left it 10 years ago. Kids all raised and moved on but the barn she still stands just like I remember from growin up years past. The blizzard of 59 with drifts up to 7 feet high. I spoke to a friend that went through it. She remembers clear as day helping her grandfather. His old car was buried and she helpt dig it out. Only way out of your house was through upstairs window. Pity the people that lived in single story houses. They were completely shut off from everything till the first thaw. Must have felt like they were in the twilight zone. Finally a day off of school. Ma found extra chores for us. Lest we get bored and cause a ruckus. Dad don’t like lots of noise. He’d get the belt out since we had no way to go outback and fetch a switch.

Il Fuorn, Lawine vor dem Hotel (22.1.1951)

Here is similar picture from 1951. Found here : Datei:Lawinenwinter 1951 Il Fuorn.jpg – Wikipedia de.wikipedia.org

I remember those days just like it was yesterday. Ma told us stories about when she was younger. She had to walk 2 miles to get to school. There was no hot meals for lunch. You ate what was in your pail and didn’t complain. Dad wanted to raise up Godly men and ma was dead set on growing up the girls all nice and proper. Not like the kids nowadays. Education was important but barn chores came first. First day of fall harvest all boys missed school. The harvest was dad’s “bread and butter” since they closed the rail yard. No jobs anywhere it was rough. Ma tried to get work at the big houses but they had none. She thought maybe mending or cleaning but nothing to be found. Dad would take the boys over yonder hill to hunt. A scrawny bunny or a greasy weasel was a treat for Sunday meal. We’d sit around the table taking turn reading scriptures from the big family bible. It’s been in our family since grandpa came over from Ireland around 200 or so years ago. Such a proud man he was. Pa had his pocket watch nicely shined sitting on the stand by his bed when we were younger. After he passed it was given to the oldest boy along with his tool box. Those where simpler days when no one had to fear a drive by shooting our someone stealing your kin. Crap we deal with today not even imagined way back then.

I desire for the simpler times. My hubby says it sounds like a memory remembered. From past years maybe the 20’s. It all started when I saw a friends pictures she posted on Facebook. I had to write or my mind was going to implode. I was born in mid 70’s and we didn’t live on a farm. Totally different then my childhood. Here’s an excerpt about what my childhood was like. Grab a cup of coffee and comfy blanket. I’ve heard worse stories but what can I say we don’t choose our childhoods or our parents …

Here’s a brief peek into my past.

My internal struggle I have battled with my whole life. I’ve always been compared to my older sister. I realized know that I’m older I acted out as a child because I felt ignored. I was the flower in the top left corner of a huge wall of flowers. Hidden away treated like I was less. Not sure when these feeling first came about I must have been really young. My sister was every bodies favorite. Mom chose her to live with her. I was left behind to live with dad, his new wife and their 5 kids. Just a flower on the wall. Minimal, insignificant. I hid myself in books trying to stay in the background. I tried at school with little luck to get friends. When I was in foster care I had many more friends. I kept my nose clean and stayed away from trouble. I remember being rebellious when I lived in Morris, NY. I left school during teacher strike and my friends covered me. Tried to walk to my sister’s foster home in Edmeston. Know that I look back it was stupid. Morris is a long way from Edmeston. Luckily a nice couple picked me up and drove me to her school. I needed a release. I was angry. Got talked to by foster parents about how teachers where wrong to protest. That’s grownup business why bother me with it? I really didn’t care .

 


Morris, NY

Here’s a picture of Morris, NY. Follow link for more information. https://www.nps.gov/nr/feature/places/pdfs/13000031.pdf

Biggest thing that I hated was being moved to different foster homes. I started in Oneonta then story gets real good. By the time I was released I had lived in Milford, South Valley and Morris. I’m still friends with first foster family from Oneonta. Their daughter is a good friend. People in Milford didn’t care for very much. Next was South Valley to live with Becker family. Then off to Morris to live with the Webster family.

I can’t finish my story since I’m not good with dealing with past issues. The first story is my dream past. Only in my imagination. Not sure where I’ll be in 5 years or even 5 months. I’m growing and learning about me so it’s all up hill from here. My hubby will be by my side helping me grow along for the ride he never expected.

For know hug your hubby tight if you get the feeling you need to write something down DO IT. We grow by learning and letting things go is hardest step to take. To a better future for me and my family. Great things are yet to come and I’m trying to enjoy my journey. Join me and we can learn together one step at a time. I got my comfy slippers on and off we go……

This is my picture with my slippers. So comfy.

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