Blast from the past. Post I forgot I wrote. Depression or paranoia ? Or both?

Woke up early had a horrific dream 😡😡😡 hubby and I were on an island only 1 way in or out. He was driving I was walking. I couldn’t keep up and he drove off. I joined up with cop to help me. Pouf he’s back saying he got lost couldn’t find me he’s sorry. Thing is we were close to exit not believing the I got lost story seems like a lie. Fell asleep again this time he doesn’t come back and he has my purse. I give cop info on Jeremy Insetta since he’s only a few states away. he’s not listed in phone book. Alarm goes off I need to go potty am up now writing this horrible story. He commented yesterday about sleeping so deep he didn’t realize I got up.

Is this dream playing on my biggest fear of him leaving me behind? Or is it my paranoia resurfacing since I stopped my second med for a week? I will have to research. I’m almost in tears from this 😭 I rely on my hubby a lot. He made joking comment about a wife driving her hubby away because she was to clingy and did nothing for herself. Did it mean more than he thought? I asked he said no. Maybe it was his inner psyche popping up. He also commented on how in Sidney I was more independent. He goes along with me talking about not driving much not needing my car. How I don’t really need it especially in winter. Had previous winter bad accident when we lived in Otego with my mini van. Is that why I am terrified of winter snowy roads? Had another bad accident where some one t boned me. This was in Sidney. I still have problems to this day with my neck hurting. Is this why I’m afraid to drive his truck? Are my fears coming back to haunt me? I feel so dependent on him nowadays. Is it because I’m afraid of loosing him? Does that stem from time he left in Sidney? Am I over thinking this like he says or is he under-thinking what his brain is hiding from him. Some say our jokes are part truths. That they shine on our true thoughts. It’s terrifying. I was single parent when Dom was a baby. Why does that terrify me now. Am I getting to comfortable with him doing everything? Should I seek professional advice on this? What information can I find on internet? Does my fear stem from abandonment issues from my childhood? Is it because my dad was always leaving? Am I overthinking this? Not going to be able to go back to sleep now. Going to get dressed for the day and get cup of coffee. Is it because my inner thought of weight I’ve gained ? Yet he has gained weight too. Does anyone have any insights ? Am I loosing my mind having a breakdown like my mom did? Is it from stress from holidays? Why do I have such deep guilt that I need to do more for my hubby so I don’t lose him? Why do I have so many questions and fears? Are they linked to my childhood ? My abandonment issues from being in foster care? That my parents’s life’s went on without us while we were in care. Did they think about us or just go on with normal life’s without a brief thought of us? It’s the past can’t dwell on it. But it still haunts me. How can a parent continue with their life without a thought, while kids were separated from them ? I couldn’t do it. Is that why I fought like hell to keep my kids out of foster care? Does a parents past repeat itself with their own kids? For example my sister laurie. Is my sister’s failure as a parent what keeps us from having a relationship ? Is my sister thinking back about how she always disliked my parenting? Does she feel guilty since she failed her 2 oldest and they ended up in care? Is it because I tend to talk behind her back? Why don’t I just text her and ask? Is it me or is it her? Why are we so disconnected ? Is it due to being separated in foster care? Is that another abandonment issue? I need advice on stuff my dream is bringing up. I need my dream analyzed. Does it all stem from my childhood? Do I have more abandonment then I thought? How can I change this into something positive for someone else? Why do I always feel the need to try and help others? Is it because my mom used to be that way? Nowadays money has changed her to more like I see Cindy? Is money that so important to her that she abandoned her kids? Is that my guilt popping up for situation with Dominic where we let him live with friend? Did that screw him up causing him to be over sensitive today? Why do men see their sensitivity as a weakness? Is this what society is teaching us? I see nothing wrong with a man being sensitive. I’ve seen my hubby cry and don’t feel it shows him as weak. He’s a truck driver they are roughy roughy guys right? No signs of weakness just they are human. Are my perspectives that put of wack? Is my guilt with Dom stemmed from what I went thru? Why am I just realizing now that letting my son live with Trevor was just a step above foster care crap? I’m getting tire will need a nap like yesterday ? Is that a sign of weakness? Why does my brain justify that as being better then what I did ? Been writing for an hour got some stuff out but my normal stuff the crap I’ve stuffed down has left me with a huge giant pile. Is it time now that I’m older to deal with all these things? Who do I ask for advice? Should I show this to hubby so he sees craziness I hide? Is it going to help or do more damage? A bit overwhelmed so stopping for now. Why do I question everything? Is it from my ms depression or just paranoia ? Why do I have these thoughts? Is my dream causing this? Does anyone ever read my Facebook posts? Should I just give up sharing? Where do I go from here?

Why do I need coffee to start my day? Am I addicted? Is it my substitute for stopping smoking? Do I think too much?

Maybe.

Published by Kathy O

I’ve been married to my husband 20 years. He has been a trucker for last 10 years. We have 3 awesome boys. We have moved twice since he started and are hopefully in our permanent home. We live in the southern tier of New York. My goal is to share some of my life as a trucker’s wife. Thanks for stopping by ❤️

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