Mom thoughts, What was I thinking?

I am ok. My life matters.

What other people think does not determine your future destination.

Internal struggle I have battled with my whole life. I’ve always been compared to my older sister. I realize now that I’m older I acted out as a child because I felt ignored. I was the flower in the top left corner of a huge wall of flowers. Hidden away treated like I was less. Not sure when these feeling first came about I must have been really young. When my parents split each of them took one of us my sister being the favorite, went with Mom. I was left with Dad and his soon-to-be wife. Trying to fit into their lives I felt like I didn’t belong, so I retreated into books. I tried at school, with little luck, to make friends. Another day another blog post, I’m not ready to open those old wounds.

Morris, NYMorris, New York

Biggest thing that I hated in foster care, was being moved to different foster homes. I started in Oneonta then story gets good. By the time I was released I had lived in Milford, South Valley and Morris. I’m still friends with first foster family from Oneonta. Their daughter is a good friend. People in Miilford didn’t care for very much. Next was South Valley to live with Becker family. Nancy the foster mom was a sweet heart. Then off to Morris to live with the Webster family. I loved it there. I was able to finally do cheerleading. It was awesome. I enjoyed it very much. I learned a lot about myself at that school. I had great friends some I still speak to this day. I tried to keep my nose clean and stay away from trouble. Although, I remember one instance of me being rebellious.  I left school during teacher strike and my friends covered me. I tried to walk to my sister’s foster home in Edmeston. Now that I look back it was stupid. Morris is a long way from Edmeston. Luckily a nice couple picked me up. They drove me to my sister’s school and dropped me off. I needed a release. I was angry. Got talked to by foster parents about how teachers were wrong to protest. That’s grownup business I really didn’t give a sh**. Now as a grown up I understand the importance.

Otsego county had a program called “Independent living skills”. We got to do so much stuff and go to many places. We went to NYC to NYU. Also went to a few other colleges. My foster mother Carol was head of this group. I felt like I fit in finally. We went to Long Beach Island. It was my first experience enjoying the ocean. Big difference from NY hill I had grown up on. We learned about cooking, budgeting and cleaning. Everything we needed to know to leave foster care and go out on our own. One important thing it didn’t teach us was that on holiday vacations from college the dorms would close. If you didn’t stay connected to your foster family you had no place to go. My first grown-up realization that “adulting” sucks. Here I am over 20 years later and they still haven’t fixed that problem. It’s sad.

Until next time Hug your trucker tight and try to get more enjoyment in your life.

Kathy O.