What other people think does not determine your future destination.
Internal struggle I have battled with my whole life. I’ve always been compared to my older sister. I realize now that I’m older I acted out as a child because I felt ignored. I was the flower in the top left corner of a huge wall of flowers. Hidden away treated like I was less. Not sure when these feeling first came about I must have been really young. When my parents split each of them took one of us my sister being the favorite, went with Mom. I was left with Dad and his soon-to-be wife. Trying to fit into their lives I felt like I didn’t belong, so I retreated into books. I tried at school, with little luck, to make friends. Another day another blog post, I’m not ready to open those old wounds.
Morris, New York
Biggest thing that I hated in foster care, was being moved to different foster homes. I started in Oneonta then story gets good. By the time I was released I had lived in Milford, South Valley and Morris. I’m still friends with first foster family from Oneonta. Their daughter is a good friend. People in Miilford didn’t care for very much. Next was South Valley to live with Becker family. Nancy the foster mom was a sweet heart. Then off to Morris to live with the Webster family. I loved it there. I was able to finally do cheerleading. It was awesome. I enjoyed it very much. I learned a lot about myself at that school. I had great friends some I still speak to this day. I tried to keep my nose clean and stay away from trouble. Although, I remember one instance of me being rebellious. I left school during teacher strike and my friends covered me. I tried to walk to my sister’s foster home in Edmeston. Now that I look back it was stupid. Morris is a long way from Edmeston. Luckily a nice couple picked me up. They drove me to my sister’s school and dropped me off. I needed a release. I was angry. Got talked to by foster parents about how teachers were wrong to protest. That’s grownup business I really didn’t give a sh**. Now as a grown up I understand the importance.
Otsego county had a program called “Independent living skills”. We got to do so much stuff and go to many places. We went to NYC to NYU. Also went to a few other colleges. My foster mother Carol was head of this group. I felt like I fit in finally. We went to Long Beach Island. It was my first experience enjoying the ocean. Big difference from NY hill I had grown up on. We learned about cooking, budgeting and cleaning. Everything we needed to know to leave foster care and go out on our own. One important thing it didn’t teach us was that on holiday vacations from college the dorms would close. If you didn’t stay connected to your foster family you had no place to go. My first grown-up realization that “adulting” sucks. Here I am over 20 years later and they still haven’t fixed that problem. It’s sad.
Until next time Hug your trucker tight and try to get more enjoyment in your life.
I’m at a strange stage of life with an open road ahead and so many possibilities. How do I choose what is right? Do I have to choose just one thing ? Such a dilemma. I hate making choices for fear of leaving someone behind or loosing a loved one. Every day it seems as if another page has turned. As a female, a mother and a wife it seems my days are full of decisions. Do I get another job? Do I wait and return to my last job? How will my decisions effect my sons? Where does my journey go from here? A million questions asked every day. Is their a book to help us on our journey ? Is their a group to give us support? What if we chose the wrong path ? Can we go back? Where can I find a guided path? Is their anyone out there that can provide guidance? These are all questions most of us are asking. I’m going to search the internet in hopes of answers. Maybe I can ask others that have already been where I am know. I will share my findings along the way. If anyone has any tips please share. I don’t know where I am headed but I pray for clarification along the way. I’ll write when my heart says to. I’ll share so if anyone follows it might help others. If anyone is on this journey too please reach out to me. A journey with friends is always a journey enjoyed.
My choices are easy for some but people like me that are indecisive are going to struggle. Maybe I should go easy way out and flip a coin. Maybe s roll of the dice. Close my eyes and pick from a list. Or better yet have hubby decide for me lol. I’m torn between what society would choose and what my heart says to do ☹️ I wonder how other people decide on big decisions ?? 🤔 In school they said make a list of pros and cons. One would stand out but what if they are equal ? Am I strong enough to choose both and let time figure it out? I asked my husband and he said he will support whatever decision I choose. He’s a very supportive man. My angel in work boots behind the wheel of a big rig. After 20 years I still get overwhelmed by the love I have for this man. He’s my rock my soulmate.
This week closes a chapter in my life ☹️ Friday 11/23 is my last day of work for Aspira. I’m being laid off. Can reapply next year if I want to. My supervisor Lia Mebane says she hopes I do. I have other job opportunity with a tax firm. I just need to finish signing up. It’s January thru April with possibility of full year if I do good. Intellectual wise it will be more fulfilling since that’s what I went to college for. Emotionally not thinking it will fulfill my need to help others like this job does. It’s my dilemma of what is more important for me ??? Ugggg ☹️☹️ I am thinking hard but have no clue what to choose. I wish I could make money with my crafts that’s what I enjoy the most but no money in that. I’d love to write a book but not having much luck with that. It’s easy for those to share advice but there are no quick fixes. No magic pills. No prescriptions. Some of us fight this battle alone and some with a loved one. I’ve searched the internet for an instruction book and have had no luck I didn’t find classes to enroll into either. Some have moms that can help but my mom is ill equipped. She has good intentions but not much information. It’s due to the way she was raised. Her father was an alcoholic and very abusive. I’m sure they never talked about feelings or what was right in life. He chased my uncle away to join the military and he became a lifer. Sometimes it’s best to run away, murder does not look good on a resume. From what i’ve learned reconnecting with my uncle that could have happened. I personally think it would have been well deserved. Beating your tiny little wife is horrid. Back in those days it was a daily thing. I’m glad times have changed at least a little bit.
Date night October20, 2018
I’ve joined a facebook group called “Spiritual G Spot”. You can join it here https://www.facebook.com/groups/219129234948553/.
The lady that runs it does motivating posts daily. I hope it encourages you to live your life fully. Like she says let your light shine and you can never be “Too much woman”. I’m hoping to go see her in person at Niagara Falls. Hubby knows where that is since he goes there every day for work.
It’s a blessed day, 8 am is so peaceful maybe I’ll get up early from now on and write. Today is my last day of work. I have a 2 hour shift then I’m done 😦 for how long I’m not sure but it gives me time to focus on myself and what’s my next step. I will end this here and go enjoy my day. My oldest is here for Thanksgiving and I want to enjoy my time with him. Later he heads back to the Big city not sure when we will see him again. He brought his girlfriend with him and she’ s super nice. We also got to meet Aaron’s new wife she is great. We plan on going to Mississippi soon to see them again.
I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving and I’ll be back soon. Just remember to hug your trucker tight. Mine has my heart and I will be sad Sunday when he returns to normal work. Until then I will enjoy him being around. Or at least until he pisses me off lol.